"Shoots" and Ladders

Yesterday I about bit off more than I could chew. I’m willing to try almost anything in my attempts to fix up this house, and that sometimes gets me in trouble. Yesterday I learned all about how to use foam gap filler. Allow me to explain.

A few months ago, Daddy decided the posts holding up our deck needed reinforcing. They looked pretty skinny to me, so I enthusiastically endorsed the idea. Doug and Daddy went to the building supply company and bought 2X6” boards of treated lumber. They surrounded the skinny posts with these boards, making thick chunky posts that at least look more substantial. Daddy says the posts are now twice as strong. The only problem was that the original posts were not straight, so it was impossible to get the boards to lie completely flush against them. Gaps were left in places, and Daddy suggested I fill them, so we got a gallon of exterior spackling, and I went to work. The spackling worked well on narrow gaps, but not so great on wide ones. I got the brilliant idea that what I needed was a can of that foam you spray into gaps to seal out moisture. After all, we didn’t want moisture collecting inside the posts. I had Doug buy me a can on his way home from work.

The next morning I found the extension ladder behind the barn. I had learned the day before that our 12’ step ladder wasn’t quite tall enough to reach the very tops of the posts. Now I have spent a lifetime avoiding ladders; I don’t like heights. I was surprised to learn how heavy it was and awkward to move. With difficulty, I carried it around the house to the front. Leaning it up against the lower part of our high deck proved very challenging. Adjusting it was even more so, as the two halves of the ladder kept sliding past the point where I wanted them. After much effort, the ladder was up and stable. Then I realized it was upside down! I thought it might be important for the stabilizing feet to be on the ground, so I took the ladder down and turned it over. With much more effort, I finally got it back in place, only to realize it was still upside down! "Shoot!!!" I exclaimed out loud. "How stupid can I be?" Apparently, I had just flipped it over instead of turning it end to end. Down it came again. My third attempt was a success.

Now I read the directions on the can of spray foam. It said to shake vigorously and wear rubber gloves, as it is extremely sticky. I won’t get any on my hands, I thought, not wanting to take time to find gloves. HA-HA! It wasn’t long before all the digits on my hands were stuck together, and a good pair of jeans were ruined. This stuff was awful to work with. The directions also said to fill large gaps only 50%. Humm… maybe I was supposed to let that dry and then go back and finish filling the gap. I climbed the ladder and aimed the tube into the first gap and pulled the trigger. Boy, was this stuff hard to control! It came out very fast and went all over the place. I quickly learned why you should fill gaps halfway. This stuff grows like some giant alien space blob! Before long, big bubbles of foam were all up and down the posts. I tried to smooth them with a spackling knife, but seconds after applying the foam, it becomes impossibly sticky and cannot be smoothed. My attempts to do so ruined a $6 new spackling knife. I figured I would trim the bubbles off later after they had hardened.

I finished the first post and moved on around the deck. When I got to the end, the ladder needed to be taller, so I struggled for some time to adjust it. Then it was crooked because the ground was uneven – imagine that, uneven ground in the mountains! I found some pieces of board to prop up one leg and finally got it steady enough to climb. While up there, I noticed that I had missed one side of an earlier post, so I would have to go back. When I did, the ladder was now too tall. I soon discovered that making the ladder taller is much easier than making it shorter! I was working hard to adjust it when it suddenly slid downward and fell with a huge clatter on the concrete patio, landing about six inches from the glass door. "Oh, shoot!" - and then, "Thank you, Lord!" That could have been a disaster. I almost gave up at that point, but decided I really wanted to finish since rain was predicted for today, so I pulled the ladder out, hoisted it up and tried again. I just about had it when it again fell across the porch, making a huge racket and barely missing the door again. "Shoot!" again. I figured I better not push my luck, so I dragged the ladder out into the yard where it will remain until Doug takes it back. I discovered I could reach the top of that post with the step ladder and finished foaming.

By this time, my hands felt as if they were coated with super glue. Soap and water didn’t touch it, so I hiked up the hill to Mama’s to find some paint thinner. I tried mineral spirits, gasoline, WD-40, and fingernail polish remover. Mama thought of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” and suggested Windex. Nothing worked. Not only did my hands feel awful and stiff, but they were stained brown. They looked filthy. I probably washed them 100 times yesterday. “Well,” Daddy said, “you never see an old man who still has stuff like that on his hands. It will wear off.”

So this morning they are only a little bit better. I guess when all my skin cells turn over, it will be gone.

Now you may wonder, just where was my husband during all this? I’ll tell you where he was – at work, sitting in his cushy chair at this desk in an office full of women who bring him homemade food all the time. Now who has the harder life? (Had he been here, he certainly would have taken over after witnessing my inepititude.) I think I will stop writing and make him a nice, long Honey-do list to work on when he retires the end of this month!