Going Back

Going Back

This was written on August 7th, but not published until later due to computer problems.

I’m going back to Westminster today, with very mixed feelings. On the one hand, I am excited, the way I’ve always been excited at the start of a new school year. One advantage teachers have over people in other occupations is that each fall we get a clean slate, a new class, and a chance to do it all better than we did the year before. I have often felt sorry for all the workers who just keep going in the same old routine for years on end with no fresh starts.

I’m looking forward to being with people more. I know I will enjoy the kids; they are so full of life and funny and sweet even though they can frustrate me to death at times. The people I work with are some of the best people God created. I’ve never experienced the “office politics” that plaque so many workers.

I couldn’t ask for a better schedule – just two mornings a week. I’m teaching my favorite class, which is government and economics, and that is the only class I have to keep up with.

I will finally have a little money to call my own again. I have definitely missed that! It won’t be much, but at least there will be some money in my pocket when I walk into a store or a restaurant, and I won’t feel guilty about spending it.

On the other hand, I have truly enjoyed having this time at home. As I have already explained in other posts, it seems providential that I was home this year in particular. I loved being able to do things that I otherwise would not have been able to do, or would have done under great stress. I have loved having the freedom of planning my own days, and I dread losing even a little of that freedom. I have experienced less stress this year than I ever have before, and it scares me to think of adding some back into my life. It was great not having to grade papers or think about lesson plans when I was at home, but now I will be doing that again, though on a smaller scale.

The worse part of going back, however, is that I do so with a slight sense of failure. I left teaching a year ago thinking that I was ready for a change in my life. I wanted to find something new to do, but I wasn’t sure what it would be. I hoped a year would be long enough for me to find it. I guess I’ve floundered some this past year, dabbling in many things but not focusing on any one activity. It’s not that I’ve lacked ideas. I came back from helping my parents all excited about becoming a professional organizer. I just didn’t know how to start. The same is true with the idea of interior decorating. I really don’t have the confidence to promote myself or take the risk of failing. I love artistic endeavors better than anything, but I’m not talented enough for painting to ever be more than a hobby. I realized that making crafts en masse to sell would quickly cease to be fun or creative. I love to write, but don’t really know where to go with that either. So I have ideas, but lack the know-how, energy, or confidence to make anything happen. Now I’m going back to what I know and what I do best. I haven’t given up entirely. This schedule should still leave time to explore other options if I choose to do so. Well, its time to get ready for work!